| i'm so craving filibertos right now.. |
[Aug. 21st, 2005|09:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | anberlin- track 2 | ] |
hello livejournal. it certainly has been awhile. i could sit here and dwell in my reflection of these past few months but i've lost my desire to do so. I have so much to tell everyone, but nothing could put it in perspective for you. I believe we all have our personal journeys, lessons that we can only teach ourselves. It's from within that makes us act so irrationally...shall i dare call my recent decisions rational? not even. Speculating my past is worthless now because all i am excited for is my future. In the meantime, i'll just be living easy, maybe a little lonesome, but I hope that everyone is equally happy.
much love! |
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| what it is hoe! |
[May. 4th, 2005|11:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  curious | ] |
yeah, well. it didn't. the verb reason: to discover or formulate by using reasoning. shit. i discovered a lot. i feel selfish, petty yet i feel strong and entitled to an opinion. the only person who could ever take care of myself is me. ME. fuck it, i'm contradicting. i make absolutely no sense! i've devoted myself to full flegded relationships ever since i was able to handle one. i think its time to start a relationship with myself. i fear i don't have one. dependency. it sucks. |
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| hahahah stole it from a random lj |
[Apr. 30th, 2005|10:03 am] |
Pieces of Me by Ashlee Simpson |
"Fall, with you I fall so fast
I can hardly catch my breath
I hope it lasts"
In 2004 you fell in love. Let's hope it lasts.
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| your goodbye keeps me listening for your voice around each corner. |
[Apr. 27th, 2005|07:38 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | copeland | ] |
i got a wake up call, literally, this morning. my dad calls me at 630am from a boat?? then i talk to my step mom and hear my sister giggling in the background. sometimes i wish i could travel around with them, to fill this certain void. i feel like i'm missing out on one of the most important things in my my lifetime. i can't deny that i love my mom and sunny cali, yet i also cant deny that i have a dad and another family on the other side of the world thinking about me. all the "what ifs" keep me up at night. will i ever forgive myself in the future when i find that my relationships aren't very close because i haven't sustained them? i'm not a phone person and i always forget to check my email consistently.. and it saddens me that allie won't remember me at first each time i visit. sometimes i think about finishing school on the east coast/italy/wherever they happen to be, with them, so i can be around more. i would have a lot more stability, although it would never bring me back to san diego. once i leave here, theres no turning back. i hate thinking about these things because it makes me question the worth of what i have here, when i know they are irreplaceable. i don't like self-doubt. anyways, off to a better day. peace out guys. |
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| peace out |
[Apr. 15th, 2005|01:18 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
i never know if its the end. it could be now. i dare say that it should be.
i'm tired. |
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| noggin |
[Apr. 4th, 2005|11:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the used- track 4 | ] |
at least i found someone as crazy as me.
he is loud, i am quiet/he picks his nose even his ass, i blush when i sneeze/he sleeps til 2 in the afternoon, i'm up and ready by 9am/he talks dirty, well i guess i'm a prude./he's the one i play noise games with at three in the morning and i'll laugh myself to sleep. didn't think it was possible? oh it is. we're a never ending story. don't u just hate it? someone pointed out to me that this whole shabang has been going on for 2 years now. my freaking god. i distinctly remember thinking to myself when he moved to my table in mr. robinson's class, "this guy talks way too fucking much."
this weekend was extremely inspiring for me. i participated in the carlsbad 5000. hahah. nothing else is particularly new for me these days. i'm just enjoying the sunny weather and better yet, the new sunset time. summers awaitin!
peace, bitches. |
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| update. |
[Mar. 27th, 2005|11:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 311- amber | ] |
with all that i have in me, i wish so bad that i don't have to go to school tomorrow. i hate it! its getting down to the last month or so and i have no interest to do any work. boooo!
on a good note, i had a pretty fun spring break. i went to catalina island with my friend vanessa and we had ourselves a good time. we took our bikes, which one of them broke so that was a funny moment, bought lots of cute stuff and we got tattoos by a local, named victor "de los angeles" in his kitchen. yup pretty freaking ghetto but we only live once and it was a fun experience. hahah. its so teeny tiny, good luck finding it. plus, it was only 30 dollars. then i came home for a day, hung out with some good friends, changed my mind about a few things, brendon and i got back together, whoo hoo for me, and left again to go camping in borrego springs- the desert is crazy. all the rain has made everything bloom and the moon was so bright, just pretty rad. i wanna go again. then i come home and work work work. tomorrow is school.... noooooooooo.
later bitches. |
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| i've loved enough to know. |
[Mar. 18th, 2005|12:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | peaceful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | copeland- track 7 | ] |
bethany ann cecchini, my best friend since third grade came out visit me from virginia this past weekend. it was so much fun, despite that i picked her up with a fever of 101.5 and i threw up the entire next day aannnd the morning after that. once i got well, it was shopping at pb with suzie, we went to laguna beach, saw the sights, then hit tj for the day with brendon and jake. good freakin times, i tell you. we meet up once a year, usually in the summer with our family trips and each time, we realize something new about ourselves and help each other get through the rough patch that we are currently facing in our life. in the past its been complaining about parents divorces, hardships of high school without real friends, bad relationships and our current realization is that we are emerging into the era of our life where the people and surroundings we choose to associate ourselves are by choice, finally. no more having to put up with people just because it's social standard, the one we are pushed around with in high school. some may feel that they didn't care in the first place, but now that we are out of that atmosphere, we really don't have to. we don't have to look at them anymore and they don't have to see us either. choices. everything is our own decision, kind of a scary thought if you really think about it. look at where you at now.. how did you get there? or how can you get where you want to be..? i always question the relationships i have established when i visit with bethany, because she sets the standard. she is the most important person in my life, next to my parents and i can say that with no hesitation. everything is clear with her, her emotions are my own and we are each other's half. growing up together molded us into the person we are today. we have the same memories, and the same experiences that shape our thoughts now. isn't that crazy? we were separated at 8th grade when i moved out west so we didn't face the petty issues of high school together but we felt the same emotions. with each visit, we realized we responded the same. now that we are in a new place in our lives, standing in front of our future, no more help from others, no more carefully planned trips by our fathers, just us two on our own... its helping me realize my place. my friendship with her is something so priceless, its of no value that could be restored and held in such high regard in my heart- i can't imagine a future without her by my side. its amazing how distance keeps us apart but we pull each other back in. during this visit, i needed her the most because i've felt so pointless and unproductive lately. she puts my mindset at ease and reminds me who i really am and what i really want. change is something i crave, but she told me i have to actually make it. that is my next step. i also thought it was crazy how well bethany and brendon connected. brendon has become such a staple in my life these past couple of years, i don't know why i was surprised to see the common qualities among the two of them. you know its fate, when you move from the east coast to san diego and find a boy whose family once resided where you hailed from, down to the exact street crossing. the three of us connected so well, it was great. he and i have our moments, but you can't deny a connection that keeps pulling you in for more. for more depth, courage and more experiences.
i know i don't open up to people as much as i should, thus the reason why i do not have a friendship like this now. i am not saddened by it though because its an ongoing process, and i already love each of my friends dearly. after her visit, even though i didn't want her to ever leave, i feel refreshed and eager for our next visit. i am also eager for whatever else is handed to me. this is all for now, i just thought i would share my happy feelings. i hope everyone has a safe and chill ass spring break. i'm going to catalina and of course, working... peace. |
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| just turn the page and begin again. |
[Feb. 27th, 2005|09:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
remember
when i drove you to coronado at 3 in the morning?
we laid in the cool sand in our clothes,
waiting for the sun to come back
instead it lit up the marine layer filled sky.
everything was so blue, so gray and perfect.
you taught me how to hear the seals.
we walked through the hotel
and smelled breakfast cooking.
then we ate, drove back home
and slept all day.
i wanted to show you what makes me happy.
it still does. |
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| i had a baby at 15 and daddy never did forgive me. |
[Feb. 15th, 2005|11:27 pm] |
i'm so tired. i'm so relentless, eager to search. well i'm not finding anything. you really can't really live on love. isn't that sad? what i need is your shoulder. when i say that, let me think. let me speak. let me listen. i changed my mind, i don't want to hold on. now matter how long you're gone, no one can tell me i'm wrong. it fills me up with hope but i want to crush it all over again but i know i'll start over eventually. i don't want to use big words anymore. i don't want to learn how numbers make useless functions. i'm not in the mood to say no, really. i won't spend my time doing nothing. or waiting. i'd rather spend my time doing something. in the car, i'll be the driver. you can hold my hand to your favorite song. then the song will distract my thoughts and make me realize that you are doing exactly what the song says. shit!
i'm jealous of everything and it sucks. |
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| lawrence blows butt chunks!! jk. <3 |
[Feb. 2nd, 2005|11:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ashlee simpson- unreachable | ] |
why do i find solace in this stupid livejournal?
i declare that i love ashlee simpson. to make it clear, this is what i love and hate about her:
i love love love... her hair, her edgy flair with her clothing although i bet she gets it from a personal shopper.. can't assume but oh well, she has the guts to go on stage and act crazy wild, shes a decent song writer, every girl can relate to her thoughts, she's spazzed out but in a funny way. i just love the girl. i think shes cute with good intentions.
i hate... that she freaking spoofed on snl and sounded like a sick duck at the orange bowl, her stupid adidas boots, "..like..totally..", her stupid dorky boyfriend (what a fag), that ballerina jump action we saw when she was trying to act all hard, and the way she talks to her parents. psh. whatever ya'll...
anyways she's cool, and i like her and you don't have to.
i wish my dog would eat my boyfriend. lucky ate me today or at least he tried. i have gnaw marks on my hip bones. owie. i love love love the feeling of being wanted and i hate the feeling of being a nuisance to someone i rarely hang out with anyways. so much for that.
fuck.you don't get it.
buenas noches. muah =) |
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| spagetti! |
[Jan. 25th, 2005|05:37 pm] |
family pain stakes my heart once again. my dad is moving to italy in 3 months.
time to use up those military tourist visas! viva la italia!!!! whooo hoooooooo |
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| friday night lights made me cry too. |
[Jan. 19th, 2005|01:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cranky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | matchbook romance | ] |
on the way home from my beach run today, i cried during track 10.
god dammit. |
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| good luck with finding your infinite abyss. |
[Jan. 16th, 2005|10:16 pm] |
Today, it was proven to me how much someone can love me. truly. all it took was a simple walk around the block. hand in hand. along with freddy, leashed by a chain. because we roll hardcore. <3 and simply because i asked him too.
Wish enough, wise man'll tell you a lie
Window broke, torn up screens
Who'd have thought that you'd dream
Of a single tragic scene
I just wanna sing a song with you
I just want to take it off of you.
Cause Blue Eyes
You are all that I need
Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the sweet to my mean.
Fess it up, dot on the palm of your hand
I can help you to stand
Saved it up for this dance
Tell me all the things you can
I just wanna sing a song with you
I just wanna be the one that's true
Cause Blue Eyes
You’re the secret I keep.
All the lights are on and you are alive
But you can't point the way to your heart
So sublime, when the stars are aligned
But you don't know
You don't know the greatness you are
Cause Blue Eyes
You are destiny's scene.
-track 6 from 'garden state' soundtrack. also one of the finest movies i've ever seen. go watch it. NOW |
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| hey myspace buggers. |
[Dec. 27th, 2004|10:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | thrice- into flourescent light song | ] |
all that preparation for the holidays, and it was over in a snap. mine was worth it tho, very much so. this morning i decided to have a long talk with the one i consider unable to align her thoughts with mine. how ironic. she still amazed me and was able to satisfy my hopes and relieve my tension with my place in life. i told her of my disappointment with myself and my lack of direction. i feel that i am at a standpoint, with a circle of doors around me. why have decided to give myself an ultimatum? as if i am supposed to open one right away. i feel that i need to be someone. instead of walking around with my shoulders hunched and looking down at my feet. or i need to be somewhere. else. why am i so lazy and inconsiderate of my future? i feel this strong intention in my bones, i ache so badly for what i want to achieve but i dont care to do anything about it. I need to move on, find out what it is that drives me. i am not finding it here and it is getting to me. its eating me alive because i'm watching my opportunities roll right by me. gallantly, with so much promise in them, just like clouds swirling over rolling hills. i want to catch that ride, i want to go with the flow. instead i feel stuck, like a bad routine. my life as of now is boring to me, minus a few highlights that i care so dearly for. i only wish the best for them too. i strive for independence though i don't show it. from now on, i need to prove it. i need to prepare. i hate feeling this way because it makes me feel left behind. this is not of my nature to just accept this. i am above and beyond my potential. i want to experience this, whatever this may be.. and if all else fails, i can come back and try again.
i'm moving to santa barbara. |
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| being as subtle as i can |
[Dec. 1st, 2004|11:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | coheed | ] |
write your own thoughts, not mine. wtf??
"Slowly the pen touches paper in the guidance of the words that you write.
Memories roll in; of the things you once did
and who you had shared them with. Is somebody thinking of you?
Did I bother telling you this, with the words that cross teeth and jump lips?
A poor choice of words, in wanting to tell you anything.
But words don't come with ease. They're forever my hurt.
Would it really matter, if you were to count the days left with your hands?
Your focus secure and the loves you left; well
smiles staged in photographs here until...
You, you left the light on.
There's a chance I might have tripped, girl
You were there to hold on."
-c and c.
i'm in a bad mood :( |
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| wild wild west |
[Nov. 25th, 2004|08:56 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | my little sister screaming elmo | ] |
hey everyone, i am in texas now, yeehaw. everyone is already up at bouncing around making food. its still ssssoo early. HaPpY ThAnksGivinG!! gobble gobble!
o yea, i left my cell phone on the couch at home :( |
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| i'm effing bored and lazy, help me. |
[Nov. 20th, 2004|02:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | thrice- track 3 | ] |
hello all. today is a lazy day for me, probably due to the gloomy looking weather. i got ready today and called erika to see if we were gonna go blow our money away shopping, but she couldn't go anymore so i take it as a sign... i would much rather spend it on my loved ones for christmas anyways, its coming up, i'm so excited! i love the feeling of christmas, the warmness, the food, seeing everyone, the jolly, christmas tree decorating, ho ho ho! on wednesday i'm leaving for texas- pretty stoked for that too. thanksgiving is honestly my favorite holiday because i love the food and when i was little, my kindergarten class put on a play about the pilgrims and indians.. it was so fun so it has stuck with me since. i played an indian and my name was 'Little Green Grass Feet' cuz my feet were always dirty. welp... i am bored out of my mind! at least i am in a good mood. i dont wanna ruin it with homework so i gotta go find me something to do. i hope everyone is having a spectacular day! go do something to make it worth remembering. much love... <3 |
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| i have peppercorn prints on my window. and you dont bitch. |
[Nov. 6th, 2004|12:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
| [ | music |
| | girl screaming on pimp my ride | ] |
i guess this is all part of someone's master plan.
i am missing... something.... but i don't know what it is. feeling all nostalgic today.. this morning i woke up way too early at erika's. i love my erika and renee, they make me happy. went to the gym to kill some time before my dad met me for breakfast. this whole week that he has been here has made me think of all the possibilities or what ifs if i had continued my life with him rather than my mom. for those few who really know my situation, which really only like 4 people. kind of sad.. but yes i can't bear to think of how my life would have ended up, i wouldnt trade these last 3 years for anything. however it breaks my heart to see the distance that has been created between my dad and i. its crazy how something once so constant can vanish. i know other people suffer from this situation.. it happens all the time. and its depressing. it makes me think too much. of the wrong things too.
in response to someone's previous post: you're never gonna get away from me so you might as well just accept it right now. kinda funny how you etch these thoughts in your mind and youre so adamant about them, yet 20 minutes later im right back in your face. its the way it goes. in agreement to defining ourselves as soulmates, it just becomes so clear. i will finish your sentences for you and i know what you're thinking from across the room. you are me and i am you.
k i need to get out. much love to all. <3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 2nd, 2004|08:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | unwritten law- track 10 | ] |
i voted for the very first time in my life today. it was cool. |
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